I realize that I haven’t done a blog in quite some time.  (Not since last December apparently.)  This is an article I debated a long time in writing.  Mostly because it is very personal to me, and secondarily because I know most people won’t care one way or another.  (***NOTE: Rambling ahead…you have been warned***)

Part of the reason I haven’t written in so long is due to the job situation.  Festival season was over and I was doing the Tech Support gig full time.  And because of that I almost ended up on anti-depressants again.  Fortunately, the festival needed me early this year and my fiancée and I decided that I should quit the Tech Support gig rather than doing both for a number of reasons.  First of all, if I stayed there I was going to need to be medicated again. 

I suffer from depression, and the Tech Support gig was not helping the situation.  I don’t remember the exact diagnoses, but I think it was Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder.  Basically, I’ll have periods where nothing can stop me, but then once I stop…it’s very hard to get me going again.  I stopped doing the blog entries because I was working the two jobs, and I just couldn’t get myself back into it.  Even now, I’m basically forcing myself to start again in hopes that I can get back into it.  

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suicidal.  It’s a common misconception that depressed people are suicidal, but this is not always the case.  I know with me, I’m the guy that will sit through a crappy movie because I fell it has to get better at some point.  I believed this when I sat through Ice Princess, Twilight, and Jurassic Park III.  I’m the same way in my life.  Even when it was at its worst after getting divorced from my ex, part of me thought that it has to get better eventually…it certainly couldn’t have gotten any worse…or so I thought. 

The thing is though, once I do get into a funk, it is extremely hard to get me out of it.   I tend to let life just pass me by.  I barely pick up the camera let alone do anything with it.  I barely leave the bedroom or living room.  There have been times over this past winter that the only time I left the house was to take the Boyo to daycare.  Beyond that, I stayed holed up in my bedroom either working or sleeping.  I had no desire to leave.  (Keep in mind I did tech support from home.)

Now…the good thing is that typically, once I do get moving again, I’m like a freight train.  I find things to do to keep busy and stay happy. 

The second reason I left the Tech Support gig was that in order to do the Festival gig, I would’ve had to drop to part time at the Tech Support job which would’ve lost me my benefits, and had no guarantee that I could go back to full time in November once the Festival was over.  Now, to be honest, the only benefit I had working there was paid time off…which wasn’t a huge benefit in the first place.  You had to fight to get it in the first place, and quite frankly most of the time it was a bigger pain to request it and have it denied than it was worth.  So, losing the “benefits” really didn’t matter much.

The wifeling and I discussed it and we felt that it was healthier for me to leave the job all-together and take my chances in November.  Part of the problem was a change in the process of how things were done at the tech support gig.  They opened us up nationally and closed 19 other call centers simultaneously, which caused our queues to go from slight breaks (maybe 30 seconds to a minute) between calls to over 200 calls waiting, which left the customers on hold waiting for one of us to pick up for 20-30 minutes.  Breaks were suspended almost all day every day the last two months I was there.  (I know you’re thinking I worked from home, I could just walk away, but no…I couldn’t.  I still had scheduled breaks and goals and quotas to adhere to.) 

I’m not exactly Mr. Positivity to begin with, but the environment was becoming extremely toxic to my well-being, and while I loved my coworkers, and would welcome them into my home any day of the week, the environment itself became too much. 

While I won’t make any guarantees I hope to start doing the blog more regularly again.  Part of the issue has been that with my work schedule (that changed every two month based on performance), I haven’t had time to do photography related things, which meant that overall I’ve had nothing to talk about.

I’m back at Festival though, and I’ve had an idea floating in my head the last three years, that I might actually process and develop this time around.  Even though it’s temporary, it’s a place that I love, and there’s just something about driving up the gravel road that first time each year that makes it feel like coming home after being gone for months.  We both think that this’ll be good for me.

Photography does help with all of this because I do get to get out of the house.  If I'm able to get outside and go to a park, I'm getting lots of sunlight, and fresh air.  If I'm able to go to an event it's always great to see people having a good time.  Especially if it's something like the Heroes Con with all the cosplayers, or a Zombie walk where people have put a lot of thought and effort into their costumes and love to show them off.  I love doing photography, and it's a great way to get out of the funk I get into sometimes.

- Ian.